Heyy.. You Don’t know me.
In fact You Never really will. You can try, I mean i won’t stop you. But, You’ll never fully get a grip of whats going on in my mind. so here’s my “First Blog.” about me. about how i feel and what I’m going through. in all my honest words and feelings. i hope it’s interpreted as My Story. not a threat or a joke or a cry for help.
Life seems to be getting harder and Harder and I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes when i first saw him…so full of energy, and confidence, physique, streangth and this giant smile with so many frowns behind it, I started falling for him before he even kissed me. He was probably the first guy i wasn’t afraid to be myself around.
When I’m around him, i don’t get butterfly’s or this overwhelming feeling that I’m gonna fuck up, or say something stupid. i feel like he and i are one in the same. “hurt.” Broken beyond fixing. and i see that in him. but thats not what draws me to him. its his sincerity. his ability to be afraid to feel or to love and say that he’s going to hurt me.
I don’t fear him, nor the height or the fall. i want to be the one holding his hand while he runs free, not slowing him down trapping him or changing him. He’s moody but i woudn’t want him any other way. I love making him laugh. i love having this weird and by weird i mean just frikkin ODD connection with him, where we laugh and make jokes together or think of really dumb shit to do. Which I LOVE. He helps me express my self destruction, not really to destroy myself but to live and let live and feel free and on top of the world. with him.. i feel like theirs nothing i can’t do.
However with every PrinceCharming There’s a catch… He also loves another. someone of great similarity and differences due to growth and personality. She’s beautiful. and Sometimes i feel like i can’t compete. He went behind her back to see me. and it all came out in the open when he disappeared and my friend wanted revenge for my sake. things went and took an odd turn, i winded up befriending my rival. someone of equal beauty and personality.
Knowing in my heart that since he chose her, that it wasn’t worth it to ponder about the boy who punched a hole through my chest and ran away with my heart. His Princess gave me the opportunity to meet her and see him to get closure and i thought okay i’m gonna meet her w.e talk to him and move on…but then i met her and she was awesome like the little sister i never had our similarities were just ridiculous, Anyways later i finally got to see him again after approximately 9 days since our last encounter. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest when i saw him again, running down the hill he had just climbed wearing the sweater i had given him to keep him warm on his adventures, I was smitten when he called my named for the first time in what felt like ages…
i made myself comfortable meeting all of the friends whom had arrived at the same function that my Prince attended to see his Princess. She allowed me to get my “closure” and speak to him.. it was fresh like a cut open orange as the citrus sprays lightly from the peel. But no real answers were given just a boy confused about the sudden turn of events and suffering inside with his guilt of wanting another while being with his princess.
Things seemed fine after we kinda talked. but then he allowed himself to be engulfed by this pain, from a broken promise he made to not hurt her. i felt his pain and suffered with him while he went outside and contemplated leaving while bickering with his “beloved”. I approached him after one of their spats and asked him if he wanted me to leave? dissapear? or jus stay out his life? but he shared somthing with me that only made my heart blossom like the flower he hadn’t let grow, he said he wanted both of us but couldn’t understand why his princess would be so forgiving why i would be so forgiving? I told him that he was never mine so there was never any real reason to hate or forgive..a few moments later after talking he ran off.. and his beloved followed. They disappeared somewhere, and only my prince came back. as his princess walked slowly to the church where the function was being held. i approched her and asked if she was fine? she didn’t reply. and i responded with a “he didn’t…?” and she just continued her way inside gathering her things to leave. i caught up with him and asked what happened? and he told me he let her go… I almost started welling up.. filled with this guilt, a madness i couldn’t comprehend and i told him that he should get back together with her. after she left i stayed with him and walked with him continuing my reasoning for why they should still stay together, battling my own selfish hope that he wouldn’t take my advise. to my surprise we caught up with his Princess at the bus-top and he immediately left my side to be with her as i hovered over to her best friend… while her friend offered me some pot to de-stress myself i saw a light shine in his princess’s eyes as they embraced. He took her back i though.t as it literally slapped my face with this gut wrenching feeling. i knew i had lost. again for the second time.
As Him and His Princess said their farewells when the bus arrived. i quickly crossed the street to the bus stop on the other side trying to avoid him any way i could so he couldn’t see the mist in my eyes. We shared a Cigarette, i didn’t talk much until the bus arrived and we sat together and he looked at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes, and we embraced. holding him was like jumping into a bon fire my whole body got warmer and my heart started racing.. when we started letting go of eachother our faces got close but i quicky pulled away and questioned the moment and but when the bus was slowly arriving his destination i asked if i could spend more time with him to discuss matters further. and he said yes.
We spend time at McDonald’s awkwardly pondering each others facial expressions. and hating every love song that played on the radio… we later started making our way to his stop by foot and encountered an open warm shelter to sit in and be alone to talk. i lit my cigarette and asked about how close our faces were on the bus. and i told him how i felt as he told me how he felt. hugging me every few minutes.. the smell of his breath was sooo sweet while he spoke it was mouth watering and i was so captivated by him in every single aspect of his persona… he was “the one” to me, and i couldn’t have him.. he called his father off my phone and realized he had to make it home as soon as possible or else he’d get in trouble. so while on our way we kept hugging our faces closer and closer till he found a card at a local phone booth and held it against his lips and said have you ever played suck&blow, i replied no and he told me the rules saying that he would suck and hold the card to his lips and my job was to get the card from him by sucking it off his lips… when i went for the card he dropped it. and kissed me.. no tongue, no saliva.. just a kiss.. something i was craving from him for what felt like forever. and i felt home. warm.. and lost just utterly lost cause i didn’t know where that would take us..
So Now I’m dealing. with this odd heartbreak and realization that He does want me. he does Love me just like he said. He’s just confused. and I can’t force him to choose. thats not me. so all i can do. is wait. and hope. cause he’s left me open to that feeling and i’m taking it for all its worth… i guess time will only tell.